Catching up
Here is where the inner sanctum is revealed. Been so long...dunno where to start...this one month has been perhaps one of the most intense ones and its been nice...yeah... think im falling in love again and yet knowing that its something that i cannot hope to possess and that there are so many realities in life that we cannot overlook..well...its alrite...
k guess start with studies first. Bit disappointed. Am like a Straight B student. nothing to be proud of. Put in whole load of effort this time round and the results are the same as the first sem. Got a CAP of 3.5. Lit did decent, B+, but PS was disappointing. Was hoping for an A, got a bloody B. But French was the saddest, Got a B only...its my own fault really..never did put in enough effort into it and guess got wat i deserved. On the bright side, did pass my GEK 1500, the god forsaken engineering Gem that almost killed me...haha...was damn scared would ta pau dat module man.
Ok, wat else...the screwed up armyt deferment saga...am pissed off but am grateful to Ann and ms Kwek for helping me call CO bout it...and to him as well for taking the trouble to hear me out...was nice...so put it behind me now and look forward to france and all that. Am like not really prepared for it and all....haha...french has gone down the toilet...have been much too distracted by other things...
Think am not really cut out for insurance...goes against the character that is me. Just a feeling. I know i can prob do well in it...its just that..well...you know how sometimes you just know that some things are not quite right...its ok but not really right....yeah...had dinner at Chien's place on mon night and realised that all of us are growing up real fast. Miss so many things that made us young and carefree...as we grow older, so many things start to disappear and change...am a bit scared..the future seems to be hurtling at us and somehow, we aint prepared..not really...take one day at a time..well seems that these one days fly by at amazing speeds.
Had the question asked: Where is this relationship going to? She wants a commitment, she wants me to say yes, i want to have a future with her and marry her and start a family and all that. She wants an affirmation now. I cant give it to her, not right now. I don;t even know if i can honestly say that i love her. Do i really know wat love is? I remember wat Yi Shyng said about marriage, that you cannot imagine the girl you are with waking up and in bed with another man...haha...well...crude but prob true...I cannot commit to this now. It would not be fair to her...I dun noe what i want to do for the future..in the horizon i know that i prob wanna give all this up and join some missionary...our outlooks in life are so different...really..its not so simple... Marriage is about compromise and understanding...its not just about me but its us... Il n'est pas pour moi, il est pour nous. I cannot guarantee that now. not right now. My heart is not true to her...i cannot lie and be dishonest to her..its not fair. When she goes out to work there will be other, older and more mature, looking to settle down. She is wife material, its true. Ok fine cant cook..haha...but other areas are well covered.
And i guess...well...here we go..confession time. Wanna keep this memory and experience intact...dun wanna lose this cos i guess... it has been really special. You know how it felt with Gel? remember, that feeling of it being so right? realities of life and all that came in the way, but remember the words at boad quay on new years day, that if only we could have this moment forever, that there wasn't anyone else in this world, that we could look past everything, that there is nothing else, just this moment forever. heh. can never forget that, cos no truer words have been spoken. If only things could be so simple. if only. With Ting, it all just comes bac again. Takes a while to get reorganised and orientated. Do i love her? Yes...but in a different way. She's got a bf and i hve my gf. Wat we're doin ought to be so wrong. Yet, it just feels so right. Cliched but how can this be wrong if it feels so right. There is an acceptance that we have our own partners, that an ostensible future is not really possible. Yet like a match, it burns so brightly and so consuming. Seems that we cant be without each other...like oxygen feeding a fire, there must be one for the other to exist. Not a day goes by without thinking of her and wanting to have her here to hold and hug to sleep. Its not about sex, even though that one time was prob one the best i've ever had. Thursday night at East Coast was really nice. Speaking incoherently, she in German and me in French, it was fun and had a great laugh..felt really good. There is this deeper connection, this deeper understanding between us, it touches be at this level that i cannot begin to describe. To say its religious would be sacriligious but its one of those things that you just know, its just so right. Her whispers haunt me now...why didn't we meet before we met our respective partners..we're so far gone with them that there seems to be no way of turing bac from that path. Yet we have each other. This inexplicable attraction, this need for each other. Maundy Thusday was when it all begin and when i stayed at gramps place made it poss for us to see each other every night. In fact, have seen her almost non stop for the past month. Its dat intense...yet doesn;t feel enough. Lying at east coast after her last paper and me having a paper the next day...heh..quite dumb but nice. Pasir Ris park to blade and she forgetting her wallet and the kiss on the cheek...still so innocent...heh...The first kiss was nice..haha...lying on the floor and thinking, hoping that she would kiss me..and she did...if not i'd have done it. Din noe wat i was getting into. Zouk was nice, to have her and hold her...think that sealed it. Been seeing each other so much that have forgotten so much of it. The full moon and lunar eclipse at Pierce, haha...ok...cant seem to remember very much else...oh and the candestine staying over at my place and getting caught by dad..heh..ooh..was exhilarating...chuan dao qiao tou zi ran zhi. haha...cool...and cooking noodles for her...getting called bac for milk and cookies... hai...dunno how im gonna be without her for the next 8 weeks when im in Lyon and she;s in Darmstadt...will be apart for as long as we have been together. Well will have to see how it goes...last week here...the heart is heavy...dun really wanna leave without her.
To be honest, never really felt like this with jane...cant seem to tell her things, to talk to her the inner most depths of my heart. that;s what really lacking between us. It's comfortable and it can last...yeah..but it's still not complete.
Buddy was saying something, that it's so difficult to give ourselves to someone completely. The more i give of myself, the harder it will be to take it back. And i'm scared to start to give myself all out again..the last time i did, i was hurt so bad. Jane has never really had all of me...so much of me is still mine...but i find myself giving pieces of me to ting..and im afraid...yeah..
Think the ramblings of a schizo is about done for now.
k guess start with studies first. Bit disappointed. Am like a Straight B student. nothing to be proud of. Put in whole load of effort this time round and the results are the same as the first sem. Got a CAP of 3.5. Lit did decent, B+, but PS was disappointing. Was hoping for an A, got a bloody B. But French was the saddest, Got a B only...its my own fault really..never did put in enough effort into it and guess got wat i deserved. On the bright side, did pass my GEK 1500, the god forsaken engineering Gem that almost killed me...haha...was damn scared would ta pau dat module man.
Ok, wat else...the screwed up armyt deferment saga...am pissed off but am grateful to Ann and ms Kwek for helping me call CO bout it...and to him as well for taking the trouble to hear me out...was nice...so put it behind me now and look forward to france and all that. Am like not really prepared for it and all....haha...french has gone down the toilet...have been much too distracted by other things...
Think am not really cut out for insurance...goes against the character that is me. Just a feeling. I know i can prob do well in it...its just that..well...you know how sometimes you just know that some things are not quite right...its ok but not really right....yeah...had dinner at Chien's place on mon night and realised that all of us are growing up real fast. Miss so many things that made us young and carefree...as we grow older, so many things start to disappear and change...am a bit scared..the future seems to be hurtling at us and somehow, we aint prepared..not really...take one day at a time..well seems that these one days fly by at amazing speeds.
Had the question asked: Where is this relationship going to? She wants a commitment, she wants me to say yes, i want to have a future with her and marry her and start a family and all that. She wants an affirmation now. I cant give it to her, not right now. I don;t even know if i can honestly say that i love her. Do i really know wat love is? I remember wat Yi Shyng said about marriage, that you cannot imagine the girl you are with waking up and in bed with another man...haha...well...crude but prob true...I cannot commit to this now. It would not be fair to her...I dun noe what i want to do for the future..in the horizon i know that i prob wanna give all this up and join some missionary...our outlooks in life are so different...really..its not so simple... Marriage is about compromise and understanding...its not just about me but its us... Il n'est pas pour moi, il est pour nous. I cannot guarantee that now. not right now. My heart is not true to her...i cannot lie and be dishonest to her..its not fair. When she goes out to work there will be other, older and more mature, looking to settle down. She is wife material, its true. Ok fine cant cook..haha...but other areas are well covered.
And i guess...well...here we go..confession time. Wanna keep this memory and experience intact...dun wanna lose this cos i guess... it has been really special. You know how it felt with Gel? remember, that feeling of it being so right? realities of life and all that came in the way, but remember the words at boad quay on new years day, that if only we could have this moment forever, that there wasn't anyone else in this world, that we could look past everything, that there is nothing else, just this moment forever. heh. can never forget that, cos no truer words have been spoken. If only things could be so simple. if only. With Ting, it all just comes bac again. Takes a while to get reorganised and orientated. Do i love her? Yes...but in a different way. She's got a bf and i hve my gf. Wat we're doin ought to be so wrong. Yet, it just feels so right. Cliched but how can this be wrong if it feels so right. There is an acceptance that we have our own partners, that an ostensible future is not really possible. Yet like a match, it burns so brightly and so consuming. Seems that we cant be without each other...like oxygen feeding a fire, there must be one for the other to exist. Not a day goes by without thinking of her and wanting to have her here to hold and hug to sleep. Its not about sex, even though that one time was prob one the best i've ever had. Thursday night at East Coast was really nice. Speaking incoherently, she in German and me in French, it was fun and had a great laugh..felt really good. There is this deeper connection, this deeper understanding between us, it touches be at this level that i cannot begin to describe. To say its religious would be sacriligious but its one of those things that you just know, its just so right. Her whispers haunt me now...why didn't we meet before we met our respective partners..we're so far gone with them that there seems to be no way of turing bac from that path. Yet we have each other. This inexplicable attraction, this need for each other. Maundy Thusday was when it all begin and when i stayed at gramps place made it poss for us to see each other every night. In fact, have seen her almost non stop for the past month. Its dat intense...yet doesn;t feel enough. Lying at east coast after her last paper and me having a paper the next day...heh..quite dumb but nice. Pasir Ris park to blade and she forgetting her wallet and the kiss on the cheek...still so innocent...heh...The first kiss was nice..haha...lying on the floor and thinking, hoping that she would kiss me..and she did...if not i'd have done it. Din noe wat i was getting into. Zouk was nice, to have her and hold her...think that sealed it. Been seeing each other so much that have forgotten so much of it. The full moon and lunar eclipse at Pierce, haha...ok...cant seem to remember very much else...oh and the candestine staying over at my place and getting caught by dad..heh..ooh..was exhilarating...chuan dao qiao tou zi ran zhi. haha...cool...and cooking noodles for her...getting called bac for milk and cookies... hai...dunno how im gonna be without her for the next 8 weeks when im in Lyon and she;s in Darmstadt...will be apart for as long as we have been together. Well will have to see how it goes...last week here...the heart is heavy...dun really wanna leave without her.
To be honest, never really felt like this with jane...cant seem to tell her things, to talk to her the inner most depths of my heart. that;s what really lacking between us. It's comfortable and it can last...yeah..but it's still not complete.
Buddy was saying something, that it's so difficult to give ourselves to someone completely. The more i give of myself, the harder it will be to take it back. And i'm scared to start to give myself all out again..the last time i did, i was hurt so bad. Jane has never really had all of me...so much of me is still mine...but i find myself giving pieces of me to ting..and im afraid...yeah..
Think the ramblings of a schizo is about done for now.
