Same title as that on BJCS. Like the sound of it, nice to be able to fall in silence once in a while and just let the world rush by. A single moment of me and maybe then I can believe in God again. For that moment in time. Than its back to reality.
So where to start? To keep things written down so that i may not forget them. Lost everything once when the com crashed years back, can never get them back again. Triste. Pen and paper can be the best instruments after all. Like the France journal. Bit painful to read things that have passed; paradox in itself, the desire for recollection yet the inane fear of having to relive those moments that perhaps were better left in the past. Just read the previous entry...am cringing...writing in a stream of consciousness makes one lose all sense of perspective and let loose what normalement would be kept in the recesses of the mind. That what it is after all isn't it, just stories; comme histoire non? le mot en francais est beau. So this comes one month since the last entry. Play it again Sam, play it again.
Remember how it was before France, in France, than Darmstadt, then bac home to the chalet, than just stop right there. Ok, recall most things now. Never did write after l'immersion but some things just stay in the back of the mind, the levels of subconscious that plagues our dreams and de temps en temps, les cauchemars. Something died in that period of time and something else found its way in its place. So the question left is what to do. Yes, two paths to choose, but even in retrospect, there was never an easy one to take. Le petit mort, either way, something has gotta give. Choice has been made already. On both sides. For the better, the right choice? Following the treacherous heart rather than the cold cold mind.
Sad? Yes. Its never easy, especially something that has gone as deep and long as this has and the circumstances of its end. Can there really be a better way to say goodbye? Maybe, but she wanted to know the truth and not to chain her to false hope. Maybe this was the best way, better than living the lie. Its easier to go on, a bed of roses, peaches on a summer day. But if not now, then when. Till we go so much further and deeper till the chance of turning back is gone. Age ought not to matter but it does. From hence we can only move forward and faster and faster we go, till there is no other direction to take. So yes, to be fair to her, as she goes away to live her own life, this chapter closes. Guess will not see her again, that's the way she goes. Have i done wrong? What do you think...but no regrets, i deserve it. Hope that she will be ok without me..she will i guess, just takes getting used to. There're more important things out there than crying over split milk.
School is taking over me. Trying to keep up to the promise i made myself, to put studies at the top of the list. Am i happy? Yes, find happiness in the littlest things and life will be easier to bear. Nice to have her to hold everyday. But sometimes, i don't know how to move on hence. To continue from where we left off, a bit too hasty? There are still loose ends to tie up, lots of them and its harder for her. Where do we go from here? Harder to let go, maybe. Guilt is an amazing instrument of the conscience, makes us sink to the deepest depths that sometimes there seems to be no longer a surface, so deep that there is no more sky to look at from below. Lost, a ship without an anchor. Tu es perdu? peut-etre. Je suis perdu aussi. I cannot ask anything of her. Just to hold is enough, to have anything more, its a blessing, non? I don't know how to feel...when im with her than things are alright, but when she goes and see him, i dunno. Jealous? Is it my place to be so? Don't think so much now. Not now. Chuan dao qiao tou zi ran zhi. Seems to be the phase a la mode. So let it be for now.
Tired. What direction do i want to take and have several demons to fight. Studies head the list. A perfect sem. Possible? Who's to say its not. But its up to me to make it happen, no one else. Next, work. Insurance, do i still want to stay in the business? Yes, than i will have to motivate myself and believe in it and pull up my socks. Takes a lot to do it well and there are more than one reason why i need to work and work hard. Scouts. Should i go bac? I know I should, I promised that i would go back and help. But i don't want to become another weilong. To give up my life for scouting, that is a lot to ask for. But i will go back, at least to help out and push them to move forward. Music. Back to the keyboards and get my grade 8, thats the immediate aim. And to imporve guitar, got martin to teach after church, am so glad that i met him. And drumming from mervin...haha....at least someting more than simple time all the time. But piano takes precedence. When steph retires, thats it. I'm the one to groom the nxt batch to take over me. Up to the task? Sometimes i feel im no longer playing for God but for the guys. If not there is no joy left in making music. Lastly, T. So where do we go from here? Together, will you want to? More questions than answers. Chinese saying is nice, journey of thousnad miles starts with a single step. Ah yes, improve chinese and french as well. Cannot forget that.
Back to writing some things periodically again. Haven't written songs since like sec 4, writing them again was nice. Maybe will get the guys and form the band after all. The dreams in sec 3 have faded away. If only we continued and now would be playing and jamming like before. Not too late.
Enough for now. Time to go back home. Tant pis. Un autre fois copain.
